Dazzy

Well....here goes.... So, here I am, wearing my fishnet coverup minidress, lipstick, crotchless panties, and playing with my little wee wee while my wife is in the other room. I feel like I've been a sissy husband for a long time and not a real man. Here's why: I've been married 20 years. But haven't had sex in the last 10 years (except for once, which is an embarrassig story). Why? because I can't get hard for my wife as easy as for myself. I love playing with myself more than sex. I know she's not into my body or wee wee, so I'm not turned on. Soon after our wedding, I realized that sex was not going to be quite like I expected because of a few reasons. First, my wife was never much into sex, but yet, she could get into it and do it often enough, and she definitely did great with her mouth. The main problem was my dick size. I could tell she was often frustrated and confused and looking for a better position. But all my life, I've know that I have a tiny one. I mean, out of all of my friends, mine was the smallest. How do I know this? Because I've scoped out all of them at one point or another. Every single one has a real man dick. Mine is tiny, skinny, small head, and looks very underdeveloped. It's 4 1/2 " at its largest. It's cute, and it's hard, but tiny. Also, mine is smaller than every guy I've ever seen in the gym showers, or in the bathroom at the urinals. How do I know? Because I always look (even though you're not supposed to), and I'm always the wimpy one with a small wee wee. I can't believe it sometimes how much larger and manly these real men dicks look, with normal sized heads or sometimes huge ones. The head by itself is usually longer than my soft wee wee in its entirety. Because of my small wee wee, I feel like a little sissy husband. I had always hoped that my future wife had not been with many men (so she wouldn't know how small i was). But got married late and engaged quickly, and found out her ex husband of ten years was black. Black!!!!!! omg! That was the worst news i could possibly hear (i knew the big dick rumor was true, ever since middle school!) Once we were married, i could tell that the sex was below average. Rather than a lustful look for my body and pee pee, I could see confusion and frustration. And every time i saw that on her face, I would go limp. LImp during sex!!!!!! omg! so humiliating. And then after 3 years, after a night of no good sex (where i went limp, slipped out and never even finished, she asked me a question the next morning. "Do men's dicks get bigger as they get older?" OMG!! My suspicions were correct. My dick wasn't doing it for her. And it was so humiliating. I felt like a total sissy husband. Right then I asked her how big her black ex husband was. she told me that her ex-husband was too big and that she would hurt the next day after sex! Too big? Oh my gosh! How humiliated it made me feel! That meant that she knew that I'm tiny! And likely that I would never be able to satisfy her. And I realized her ex was a real man. She even told me that when they were breaking up, he would come over and want to have sex. She didn't want to, but would give in and let him do it to her. And she said "It made me so mad because my body would betray me." Oh my gosh. I knew what she meant! She would have orgasms without even wanting to! Whereas with me, even when she wanted to, it was difficult or impossible. How humiliating! How big could his have been? Way too big? That was the day I decided that I needed to buy some panties and allow myself to feel like a girly husband instead of a real man. I started shaving my lower half ever so often so that my panties would look good on me. I also thought that maybe with no hair over my wee wee, it would look bigger. But I was wrong. It only made me look like a little boy down there. What a sissy! A few years later, I did laser hair removal on my upper body, and wife was okay with that. But after 5 treatments, I got real smooth. So smooth that my hairy butt looked ridiculous. So I secretly did laser hair removal on my butt/crotch/front. Oh my gosh! One treatment = totally smooth. so sexy! And wife didn't know. But my butt was so smooth that my legs looked ridiculous...too hairy. So I made the life permanent decision to laser my legs. And voila! One treatment...totally smooth! Wow. so sexy. And that's been 12 years ago...and guess what...wife still doesn't know I"m smooth below the waist! (and i go naked in the house, bathroom, etc.) At this point early in the marriage, the only sex we ever had was when she made a move on me, mostly just because she felt we "need" to do it. She was never much into sex, but could enjoy it good enough. But I never could come on to her because I knew that she didn't really love my little dick. So I couldn't get hard until she touched me and sucked me. So, that made me always wait for her to make the first move, which she got tired of and wondered why I never did it. (It was because I felt like a wimp.) And I started going limp during sex, knowing that it wasn't pleasing her much and feeling like a sissy husband. Sometimes I could stay hard if I imagined her previous husband really giving it to her, and her getting juicy and screaming in ecstasy. Wow. I've never been able to do that to anyone! And other times I would just go limp and we'd have to stop. What a sissy. So, then began the ten years of no sex. I thought about it a lot, but always chickened out to make a move. And she stopped making the move altogether. So, no sex. Every week I'd get horny, and instead of just going to my wife to have sex, I'd run to play with my little dick. I now like playing with my dick more than having sex with a woman. I no longer feel like a real man, but only a sissy. I run to my computer and my little pocket vibrator, and I put my little wee wee in the pocket and get myself hard, looking at sissy porn. Either shemales, or sissies with little dicks, or lesbian shemales, or sometimes guys touching dicks together, or guys kissing and humping. But always with dicks involved. I like dicks now better than women. I've always been a dick watcher. Guys in the shower at football practice, or the gym, or even in bathrooms. Every time I go to a public restroom I look over at the guys peeing next to me to see how big they are. And guess what. They are always bigger than me! I have the tiniest wee wee every single time! It's so humiliating, as I remember that I'm just a little sissy man. I even look at men's crotches out in public to see what they're packing. What a little faggot I turned out to be, right? So, now, with no sex for so long, I just jack off like a little sissy boy. And I find a way to wear my panties every day. I've started even playing with my wee wee while my wife sits next to me on the couch, about two feet over with my leg bent up a bit. I even wear my panties under my long tshirt and no shorts. Very discreetly so my wife doesn't see, I rub my little clitty like a girl for a while. Then I bring my hand up to my mouth and lick my hand to use my spit to rub myself, the whole time trying not to get caught. The other day I got close to cumming and began to decide whether to leave the room so she wouldn't see me shaking or something. But then I thought, No, since I'm such a sissy husband, I deserve to sit here and cum on myself and clean myself up. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. And when the time came, I came in my hand. And did the unthinkable. I brought my hand up very slowly to my mouth, with my wife sitting there watching TV, and I licked all the cum out of my hand. I wiped some of the extra off my wee wee and licked that too. And I just kept sitting there watching TV, knowing that I'm the opposite of a real man. A real man would have just made his wife have sex. But not me. I just played with myself and made myself feel so good. So in ten years, we've had sex once. About three months ago, my wife came onto me on the couch. I could tell she wanted to have sex, so I ran to the bathroom and took a little penis pill (which she doesn't know I have) so I could get it up with a woman without having to fight the mental side so hard. And we did it. We had sex twice that night on the couch, and afterward, she said "Wow, I'm proud of you. You got it up!" Oh my gosh. She's been thinking all these years that I can't get it up---that I'm a little weak wimp of a husband. How embarrassing. Also, while we were making out, she rubbed my smooth butt and exclaimed, "You need to stop shaving your butt. Men are supposed to have hair." I responded, "I'm not shaving it." (Because it's permanently smooth from the laser removal). She said, "Oh, I guess men lose their hair as they get older, because you used to have hair." Did you catch that? I haven't had hair on my butt for 12 years, but she's not realized it. That's because she never touches me, doesn't look at me naked in the bathroom, and does not like my body. (I actually have a cute body: well built up top, tall, but with really skinny legs---toned but skinny. My legs are so skinny that she makes fun of them. They look like girl legs, especially because they're smooth. From the waist down, I could pass for a girl, even with my little tiny clitty which fits perfectly inside my panties. The other thing I realized that night is that a few days prior that same week, her ex-husband had called her for the first time in 20 years, to talk about some nonsense business matter. She avoided him for a day or two, but finally decided to answer. And that was that. However, think about it! Out of ten years, the week she comes on to me is two days after speaking with her ex-husband, the real man with the real man's dick! That's too coincidental. She was obviously stimulated by the memories of her ex, the real man who used to make her feel good all over. And then there is me. I am pussyfree now. It's so embarassing. but i love my girly self. What do you think?